It’s always been this. Food to flow. Being in your power. Knowing your worth, knowing who you are, really and not allowing your health and your body to hide you anymore. To pull you back, or limit you in anyway.
You health is your right. It’s never been a question. It’s always been an option and it never had to be hard. We all have different struggles at different times in life. And when my health hit the fan, i was dumbfounded, i had no idea what was happening.
Lost
Confused
Disempowered
Because before i had always been in such control. I knew how to do this body thing. In fact, it was my PRIDE because i had formerly in my middle school to early college life been NOT in control or felt good in my own body.
I was overweight.
I ate so much junk food.
I came home from school and watched tv i mean hello it was oprah so it wasn’t all bad though :)
I hid.
From people.
From experiences.
From boys.
From life.
I didn’t go to dances. I didn’t have many friends. I felt like a loser and a loner.
And i felt SEPARATE.
Until i decided enough was enough.
I was going to lose weight.
So i did the most obvious thing you do, i grabbed my mom’s weight Watchers magazine/point book thingy and read about it.
Ahhhhh….ok so i see, eat vegetables and ZERO point foods.
Hmm. so being the overachiever I was, i decided I would do BETTER than the lowest point value, it was 18/day I still remember.
I had a tiny little lined notebook I kept with me and wrote everything i ate down in pencil or pen, even in my drawer at college, as this happened the summer before my junior year.
I ate differently.
I ate less.
I ate canned soup.
I ate half of a graham cracker.
I drank diet dr. pepper.
I thought I was winning.
Because my body was dropping the weight and guess what happened?
PEOPLE NOTICED.
At my job (I worked at the famous Gap Kids and Baby Gap)
“Oh what are you doing Jodi, you look so good?”
My friends at school.
Everyone at school.
I went to a small school.
I wasn’t even all the way to my thinnest shape when school started adn i know I turned heads in the cafeteria because well I SAW them doing it and because I LOOKED soo different.
Now I was skinny.
Now I was a gym rat.
Now I was POPULAR.
I started making more friends.
I started partying.
I started doing fun college things, like dances and house parties.
Skinny = Popular.
I even made it on the homecoming court.
So that was the message engrained. And while I became more balanced after college, I stopped drinking like almost entirely unless I went out after work (now at Banana Republic!) I didn’t even know wine bottles needed to lay sideways….my roomate had to tell me to stop standing hers up on the counter, (Virgo cleaning issues)
I was working at a gym, then at my own Pilates studio. Being in shape was my JOB.
No one wants a trainer or pilates instructor who doesn’t look the part.
And I did.
Even though, I was running miles and miles and miles.
I was eating LOW CAL, and LOW FAT because it was that time when people did that.
Wheat thins.
Turkey.
Some steamed veggies.
Fruit.
SKIM MILK!?! In my coffee which i drank way to much of.
Anything sugar free, me and Splenda were besties.
And then I fell in love, got married and one day BAM:
You’re infertile.
Your body doesn’t work.
You don’t work.
Something is WRONG with you.
No ovulation meant No cycle meant No baby without a lot of HELP.
I was so scared.
That I was a problem. That I was broken. That this would mean a BIG issue for my marriage. That my husband might not want me anymore, seriously i thought this. And I felt bad I never told him i didn’t have regular periods while we dated so he could have known and dumped me. I mean OMG the thoughts in our heads!
He didn’t dump me. He loved me anyways. He told me if we never have kids I still want to be with you.
But still, there was the next steps, all the doctors, all the drugs, all the chemicals, all the pills, all the appointments, driving back and forth two hours each way.
Never confident.
Never certain.
Never sure.
That it would work, or wouldn’t.
Basically feeling prodded at, poked at, scrutinzed like a lab experiment.
I still remember leaving the hospital. We had to do it all. The whole thing, all the IVF. I remember Heath acting nervous too, it was SO MUCH MONEY.
I was freaking out scared.
I watched Giulina and Bill’s show and saw her go into hyperstimulation and be taken away in an ambulance doing her treatments. (foreshadowing here but I just realized we have the exact same story now. IVF rounds never working, a gestational carrier and a baby boy) hmmmm
I didn’t WANT this to be my reality.
I didn’t WANT to do IVF.
I didn’t WANT to be DIFFERENT.
I felt different the whole process.
My drugs were slow and tortuous. It took me about a month to get my eggs right. My ovaries swelled to the size of grapefruits, EACH.
I looked pregnant but was just fat and miserable.
My stomach hurt.
I couldn’t eat a salad without stomach aches.
I had to lay down on the sidewalk on a walk with my sister from cramping.
I cried and cried. I hid in my bed.
I hid in my pajamas.
I hid from friends, family and my husband and LIFE.
We had started out telling people about it, all my clients knew I thought, “oh this will be easy, they just stick it right up there how can it not work?”
Many times I started crying in the middle of teaching my Pilates class.
I lost my joy and spark and magnetism.
Literally, physically and emotionally dulled by pain, chemicals and fear.
I didn’t KNOW what I didn’t know.
We did 4 rounds of IVF.
Once I was pregnant for less than 6 weeks.
I remember driving to our appointment. Sitting in the waiting room. We were going to have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat, but I felt funny. Empty actually.
And we went in and the ultrasound tech didn’t look calm. She had to tell us she couldn’t find anything but maybe it was her mistake and went to get the doctor. UM nope.
Just gone.
And driving home 2 hours.
I definitely lost it and went into victim mode. Why me. What is wrong with me and i hate all of this.
We did it once more after that but no go.
I have a bazillion more stories to tell you. I bet you have your own too.
Probably very similar or very emotional.
Otherwise you wouldn’t still be reading this.
No one really gets this until you live it.
It’s PAIN all around.
Especially emotional but I felt angry. That it stole my body from me. And I didn’t even get a baby.
I felt tired. Fat. Stuck. Lethargic. Pissed off. Angry. Defeated. I gave up.
For a long time.
And one day….I snapped.
I said NO MORE OF THIS SHIT.
I am NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.
I told my husband we had to cancel our next frozen transfer.
He said cool, fine.
I called the doctors and said we are not coming in. Bye.
And then within days, the Universe started to deliver to me all the answers I was actually wanting. What I really wanted was to know WHY. WHY this wasn’t happening. What WAS wrong with my body.
You have no idea how many medical journals I hacked into and read. I thought I had a pituitary tumor at one point. One time I thought I had ovarian cancer. I mean do not go on Google and try to diagnose yourself.
But I got what I actually wanted.
I got all my answers.
To what WAS going on in my body - NEVER was it broken.
ALWAYS was it working it’s best for ME. ALWAYS ALWAYS EVEN ON MY WORST DAYS.
I realized what was happening to my liver, my blood, my digestion, my toxic load. I understood FOOD. I understood cleansing. I understood what no one was telling me.
That they body KNOWS how to heal, how to work, what to do and exactly how to do it. That it is fully and completely capable of healing everything. 100% when I (WE/YOU) get out of the way.
I realized there was definitely ABSOLUTELY a body component to fertility. And that there was and is an order of things that will tell your body to get pregnant or not.
Physical things. We live in a heavy chemical world.
We have a food system that isn’t amazingly nutritious.
We have GMOs.
We have pesticides.
We have lead in our lipstick.
And while yes some women get pregnant not paying attention to all these things, YOU DO. I KNOW YOU. You are healthy. You VALUE health and your body and WANT to do this the right way.
AND there’s pieces you aren’t seeing and putting together in how and what your body is right now telling you.
I can see what your body wants and needs.
I can tell you what’s off.
AND
There’s more. I used to believe the reason I had fertility issues was because I had to learn about food so I could feed Dalton the right way and so he could thrive from the beginning in his body and health.
What I didn’t know was it was way deeper than that.
I fell deep into my spiritual awakening.
DEEP.
So deep I thought I might not come out.
But I have.
I had to learn that it’s our mind that is MOST powerful.
It’s what you WANT that you get.
I actually GOT what I wanted.
At the time I didn’t really want to be pregnant because I thought it would steal my potential for a career. And my body, I was SCARED of my body doing strange things, AND feeling bad, and fat, and being nauseous and barfing for months I mean WHO WOULD want that?!?
I was scared of what a family looked like and meant.
All these relatives wanting to be around us...hahaha it’s TRUE they DO.
I was just scared.
And there was not enough faith to overcome the fear.
Until there was.
Until I released it.
I went from crying at baby shower invitations and stopping going to them because I was the only one there without a baby and had NOTHING to contribute on those cutesy little advice for the new momma cards. I just wanted to go home.
But through my conscious awakening I see so many more depths and layers to how I had to be cracked open to be a mom.
To be ready for Dalton.
To be ready to raise him AWAKE.
To see him.
To see me.
To challenge myself to be his GUIDE not his boss.
The Universe’s timing is CRAZY GOOD.
To YES know the truth about food and how to feed him, how to actually GET him onto earth, even after we had the miracle of my sister carrying him.
From the minute you’re pregnant there is a system in place that the world expects you to do.
You probably don’t want to do that though.
It’s crazy how everything starts to close in on our babies even before they’re born.
Right now I know you just want to know you can have that baby in your arms.
HOWEVER it comes.
But if you’re like me, you really do believe deep down there is a way that your body will work the way you know it can for you.
That you can be pregnant.
You can heal all the things, your thyroid, your adrenals, your gut, your digestion, the toxins, AND your mind AND your heart.
Most of the women who have reached out to me have actually told me they KNOW they have a baby, sometimes they’ll tell me it’s a little boy or a little girl.
I didn’t know that initially during IVF, I couldn’t because I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t awake.
But now I know it. I feel her. She’s around, she was even around me today.
You have a spirit baby.
If you want this baby there is a way to bring them down here, bring them in.
It takes faith. It takes belief. It takes integrating all you can with your human body, your physical health, your mindset and your actions.
I wrote many sales pages about this subject before but I wasn’t ready yet. To be able to be there for YOU in all the ways you need me to be.
But now it’s time.
If you hear what I’m saying, if you know your body needs support with food, health and nutritionally to be READY to get pregnant. To put yourself in the BEST shape for this baby to come in, to KNOW how to work with your mindset.
To change your body, your health, your understanding of your fertility and health and mind so that you can be prepared, so that you can know about your OWN health and pass all of that to your baby. WHILE you’re pregnant and after and for life.
You are a powerful woman. A powerful creator. In the most real way possible.
