The moment Dalton was handed to me I had a massive migraine.

The moment Dalton was handed to me I had a massive migraine.

I wanted to write that I had imagined it for a long time, but that’s not true. For the longest time, I couldn’t imagine it, which is exactly why it couldn’t happen. I wasn’t really IN IT, the fertility stuff, the IVF, even though I was sad and scared and wanted a baby on some level, mostly I was scared and terrified and relieved everytime our transfers didn’t work.

I don’t talk about this part of it.

I mean until now.

The bigger parts of me that was so scared of having a baby and being a mom and AND even with all the most innovative treatments, NOT get pregnant.

You guys have to know that at this time of my life, although deep inside I didn’t want to do IVF, it wasn’t because I was some organic food nerd. It was because I was very scared to have a baby. That it WOULD work. I mean come ON, they literally fertilize your egg, and put it right up there where it literally should implant. Hello technology.

I’m thinking of this tonight because Heath is out of town and I just got dalton to sleep AFTER my mom had him this morning because she loves him so much, and then he went to school for awhile, and then I picked him up and we did our thing and then I found myself feeling like I was a babysitter to my own child. I talked to heath and said GOD BLESS single parents. I will say it again. GOD BLESS single parents.

It’s HARD.

IT’s hard like all the time.

To go from living your life to omg there’s a baby to omg there’s a MOVING baby, to OMG this kid talks/walks and knows everything and is on the counter with a knife right now and I really just want to be laying in bed reading a book or something.

I am not complaining about my life or Dalton or anything.

I AM saying that we are all different. We are all here doing different things, for different reasons on earth.

I’ve always known that being a stay at home mom was not my thing. I would babysit and love cleaning the kitchen the most - virgo…..

I would see family life and think hmmm that’s nice. But I like being alone. I just said to my mom, no holiday feels right to me. I want to do it all differently. I don’t mind being alone. I like being alone.

I want you to know this. I LOVE DALTON and HEATH and all of my family with all my heart. But that looks different to what society will tell you loving a family or child with all your heart looks like.

My human design is about doing things differently.

The first reading I had was so confirming. She told me, “um yeah you were born in Iowa for a reason.” And let me tell you - it’s NOT because I like snow, gray weather, sweaters, ice or beef or corn.

It’s to BREAK THE RULES of what is normal and expected.

There are no rules. So there are no expectations.

This is why I told my mom I was born in the wrong place, because my soul doesn’t fit in. BUT I actually DO at least for a time.

I need to tell you, it’s ok if you feel like you’re not doing it right. Like if you need a nanny or daycare or to work that you are a bad mom or person. You’re not. You’re just you.

I have seen WAY too many women sick and suffering in their health and bodies because they deny who they really are. It even happened to me. The inherent right to have a child if you want. Shut off.

There’s nothing in my system or body that actually makes sense for this to happen. In fact I know I can have a baby the second I say yes to it now.

But I didn’t before.

Because I thought it would mean a life I didn’t really want to live.

Because there weren’t enough role models of doing it the way you want to.

Yes you can have a baby or  babies and work and do whatever you want. You can stay at home and THAT can be what you want. The key is: You HAVE to do what you want.

Or else the whole thing falls apart. Including your body and health.

The night Dalton was born, I had worked on a lot of stuff. I had realized my limiting beliefs about motherhood and career and obviously I am a master manifestor because I have dalton, WE have him and I didn’t deliver him. I didn’t even CARRY him. But he was always MINE and OURS, and even YOURS.

He picked me. And Heath. Your babies picked you.

Heath picked me. I picked him. I used to think he works too much I so that’s bad. Well, I like working a lot too. I don’t blame him. I GET him. It’s all ok.

I have to be me. Or dalton will be disappointed. His soul didn’t pick stay at home mom Jodi - because THAT would be a train wreck.

His soul picked the real me.

I had a migraine that day because I still felt so GUILTY that I was seconds away from 8 years of waiting for this baby that I was still nervous about, and felt BAD for not giving birth to myself.

It’s ok.

It’s all ok.

However they come. IVF or no. Surrogate or not. Gestational carrier or not. Your own baby or not.

You’re doing you.

There are no rules.

I just had to share this tonight. There are way more parts to my ivf story then oh yay it worked.

Just wanted to be honest.

I love my baby with all my heart and NOW that I know who I really am, more and more, I am more confident that I can love him the way he actually needs me to love him.